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A follow-up to the official magazine of Classy Living Society - the Classy Chronicles - Chronicles Too! is an online magazine which features amazing nonprofit organizations, awesome businesses and business owners, people doing great things in the community and more.
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In Our Single-ness

In Our Single-ness

It’s Valentine’s Day…and you’re single…just like me.  How will you celebrate this day of love?  You may have decided to romance yourself today, or spend the day with loved ones, friends or your children.  Or to you, it may be a day just like any other.  Whatever you do, tomorrow you will probably be as single as you are today.  And you know what? It’s more than okay. You may have been unexpectedly thrust into your single-ness when a relationship or marriage ended.  Or, when there were no prospects, you made the choice to stop looking for love and remain single for a time.

People will have you believe there’s something wrong with you if you’re single…not to mention all of the questions single people are asked:

“Why is an amazing man/woman like you still single?”
“Are you ever going to get married?”
“Well, you know, you can’t just sit in the house and expect to meet someone!”
“You probably need to relax your standards!”
“I should introduce you to my co-worker who’s single…”
“You’re probably really lonely…”

Society also plays a role in single shaming – back in the olden days, a woman who hadn’t married by the time she reached the age of 40ish was called a spinster, and was usually portrayed in photos as a prune-faced angry old woman.  People will also try to analyze “why you ain’t got nobody.”  Maybe you’re “crazy,” or you lack domestic skills.  Or you need to do this or learn to do that – like there is some magic potion to latching onto someone to love or marry. Well, friends, there is no magic potion.  But there are things you can do to prepare yourself when Cupid does come along with his bow and arrow and shoots you in the you-know-where…

I’ve been married twice, divorced twice.  Through my experiences I have learned that there are three things (among many) everyone should do if they find themselves single.

First, if you just got out of a relationship, give yourself time to remove the blinders of anger or sadness or thoughts of revenge, and realize that you played a part in the demise of the relationship.  Yes, you!  Let’s face it, it takes two to tango (ever tried to tango without a partner?).  That finger you keep wagging in accusation at the other person?  Wag it in your direction too!  It’s time to analyze what your role was in the ending of the relationship, and if it’s something you can fix, it may serve you to fix it before trying to get into a relationship again.  If not, you may find yourself right back where you started; which may or may not have been miserable the first time, but will be miserable to repeat.

Second, educate yourself.  I have a theory that just because I’m not currently married doesn’t mean I don’t educate myself on tips about a successful married life.  Think about it: before you embarked on your career, you attended a trade school or university to learn how to do what you do, right?  If it is your plan to one day be in a relationship or to marry again, it’s important to educate yourself so that, as mentioned above, you don’t find yourself right back where you started.

Finally and most importantly, take care of, forgive and love yourself. So many of our spirits are tainted by bad childhoods, bad marriages, bad relationships, rejection, insecurities, and all manner of misfortunes.  Yet, it is the wise person who knows they have to take the time (however long it takes) to get past these issues and love on themselves before trying to embark on a relationship with someone new. You need to be whole within yourself – so you present yourself as a complement to another – not get into a relationship to have someone complete you.

One last word – if you have set your sights on a committed relationship, don’t involve yourself in any other type of “interaction” (I will just leave that right there) that doesn’t serve the direction in which you are headed.  Not only is it a waste of time and effort, it will not allow you to get your head on straight enough to do all the other work you need to do for the real thing.

Maybe next year on Valentine’s Day, there will be a love in your life.  But if there isn’t, it doesn’t mean there won’t ever be.  It just means there is more work for you to do.  Or – it could mean the person you’re supposed to connect with for the romance of a lifetime – for your lifetime – has more work to do to come for you!

And don’t believe what others may say about someone like me who’s been married twice and divorced twice – that if I failed that means I can’t advise – not true!  I’m the perfect mouthpiece!  Marriage is beautiful, it’s really the people in it that muck it up!  Through it all, I have learned that I’ve messed up enough that there’s nowhere else to go but up.  Believe me, I’ve been working – so my husband-to-be that’s out there and who’s coming for me – he’d better watch out!  But meanwhile, I’m going to enjoy my single-ness.  I’m here, right where I’m supposed to be.

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Cheryl Hanson
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Cheryl Hanson

First, if you just got out of a relationship, give yourself time to remove the blinders of anger or sadness or thoughts of revenge, and realize that you played a part in the demise of the relationship. Yes, you!

Absolutely !’

Tiffany Farmer
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Tiffany Farmer

I truly agree with marroage can be beautiful, when it’s with the right person. The pwople are the ones that mess it up every time.

Wanda Sadler
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Wanda Sadler

GREAT! blog Janine… I meant to comment last evening, however got a bit sleepy in the late hour. I luv your insight, encouragement and agree as others stated wholeheartedly. Working on me too! Luv ya!

Toni Alexander
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Toni Alexander

There was such a time that, I could relate.. Great advice.. To you still out there.. You are more than you know. Thanks Janine
Awesome read..

Bettye Burney
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Bettye Burney

Can’t say enough about your blog this week. Why anyone questions singleness is beyond me!!!! Let’s move beyond the why, as some individuals choose to be or not to be. Your words are an up lifter as one ‘who’s been there, done that’ which can be used as a learning tool for any relationship. The 3 points you shared were well taken by keeping yourself uplifted, mind, body and spirit. Remain in your singleness and ‘be happy’. Your wisdom of thought will be shared.

Janice
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Janice

There’s a great deal of give and take in each relationship. There’s times when we tend to hurt one another sometimes to point of no return and unfortunately that leads to the end of the marriage. I agree some of us tend to jump into what we call a rebound relationship which isn’t always the best. Usually when that happens all the bad from our previous relationship tend to follow us into the new and from that the relationship is doomed from the start.

Ronda Crutchfield
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Ronda Crutchfield

Janine……this was awesome! I can relate to all of this!!!! Bravo!!! 🙂

Lorraine Campbell
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Lorraine Campbell

This article is EVERYTHING!!! So many have been convinced that “singleness” is some sort of prison sentence. And if you aren’t careful you will find yourself obsessing about being in a relationship. I enjoy being single. Some days I might enjoy it too much. Thank you for this reminder.

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